Just this week I found myself saying to a group of friends that to the 19 year old me, my life now would seem very disappointing. And I'd probably have thought I'd failed. Back then I was part of a Christian culture that was extemely visionary, prophetic and very very exciting. At least to that younger me. Who'd left home, at last, and was free to have adventures, at last, and Do Stuff for God.
At the time I loved it. Loved going on mission teams to what felt like extreme places - Burkina Faso, Tanzania, Morocco, inner city Belfast, Derry, Amsterdam. Loved the rough and tumble of living by faith, not knowing where the money would come from but it coming, nonetheless, usually at the last minute. Loved the sense of belonging and community and being among people of a similar ilk. Loved the opportunities to fly by the seat of my pants, leading worship when I could barely play guitar, leading teams I'd only just met. A lot of the time it was great. And I saw myself living that way for years to come. Like the couples in leadership I really looked up to. And the missionaries overseas I thought were amazing.
And I have done a lot, it's true. So many of those things I'd hoped to do, I've done. And yet that 19 year old me, when I think of her, is peeved. Peeved that I'm not fully living the dream. That I'm not doing some amazing work overseas still. That I'm not married to an amazing warrior-man. That I'm not completely together and outrageously bold. That I'm not a spiritual wonderwoman for goodness sake...
But now, when I remember that 19 year old, I just want to give her a hug. And let her know it's OK, whatever happens. That she's OK just as she is. That she's a gift to people around her, wherever. And that she's enough. More than enough.
But then, none of that would have made much sense back then. I had no idea of my limits or who I really was. Just who I wanted to be. What made sense then was that God was doing a work of transformation in me. And I needed to change. And the work I was involved in was as much about changing me as about changing the world around me.
I'm not saying now that there's no truth in that. God does bring about change in us as we work with Him. But it's not about being inherently bad and Him making us good. It's about us becoming more of who we really are by being loved enough to want to change. And let go of things that hurt us and those around us.
So as much as I feel sad when I think of that 19 year old and all the pressure she put herself under, then and in years to come, I don't feel annoyed with her. If she hadn't been a zealous evangelical she'd have been a full-on something-else. And that might not have gone well for her at all.
What I feel mostly these days is relief. Relief not to be living in that hotbed of extreme expectation anymore. Not to be carrying that heavy weight of trying to be more than I am. Relief to have had enough mishaps to know that life can still be good. And God, still loving. And relief to still be here, still breathing. Happy to be a falling woman. Learning to rest in the mystery. Yet with eyes still on the horizon. Hopeful for things to come.
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